My Struggle with Social Anxiety.

This is my personal story and the ways I have used to win the battle of Social anxiety.We'll also learn some detailed information and tips on managing Shyness and Social Anxiety Disorder, because it’s surprising how very few people know about it.  

I have always appreciated the way others are able to communicate their views.  

In high school, I was a very shy person. Although I had lots of friends, I used to avoid social interactions. And, One day, after reading an article on shyness, I couldn't agree more with it. I could better relate that to me. 

I had a fear of being found out as unlikable, a feeling more than shyness. Wanting to shun social situations, avoiding interacting in groups, to attract least attention because, I thought everybody would dislike me. Writing this is making me think of a past few years and the ongoing journey to overcome the Social anxiety. The approach I chose to manage the anxiety was, to put myself more and more into the situations that made me anxious. The more I challenged my fears, the more I could deal with them. There was a time I rehearsed a phone call a number of times before actually making one. I remember, my hands used to be chilled and my feet shivering most of the times.  However, I knew there would be some way to help me get through this. So I faked it. I faked my confidence.

“Fake it until you make it”

We often hear this. But how do I make it?

We’ll first begin by understanding what is shyness and how it's different from Social anxiety. We’ll also look for ways to manage it. 

What is shyness?

According to Bernardo J. Carducci, a  professor of psychology and director of the Shyness Research Institute, Shyness can be defined as "The presence of anxious reactions and excessive self-consciousness and negative self-evaluation in response to real or imagined social interactions." Specifically, these experiences must occur to the degree that it produces enough discomfort affecting our ability to perform successfully in social situations.

It includes three components: Affective, cognitive, behavioural.

Affective- includes reactions like anxiety, muscle tension, increased heart rate and upset stomach.

Cognitive-includes self-consciousness, negative self-appraisals.

Behavioural-includes social avoidance and behavioural inhibition.

Among these components,  I could resonate more with the Cognitive component.

Shyness vs. social anxiety

According to Chloe foster, Social anxiety disorder (previously referred to as social phobia), involves the experience of anxiety and self-critical evaluation in social settings response to the fear of evaluation by others of one’s public performance. It has a greater disruptive influence on one’s social behaviour than the experience of shyness. For example, those with extreme social anxiety disorder may experience difficulty signing a check, talking on the telephone, or using a public restroom, in addition to the avoidance of everyday situations such as eating in public.

WHAT CAUSES SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER(SAD)?

I agree with Noam Shpancer’s view, a practicing clinical psychologist,  about the cause of SAD. He says, we often hear people proclaim “doing our own thing” and “not caring what other’s think or say”, calling it silliness, he says, “I may write my own story, but society gave me language, writing, and the concept of "story." He calls brain a social organ, shaped by social interaction. Our sense of self—the “I” in “I do my own thing”—is largely constructed socially. Further, he asks

“Are you a kind person?

If yes, how do you know that?

Most likely, you know you’re kind because 1. You figured out what behaviours are defined as kind in society and engaged regularly in those behaviours and, 2. People have commented on your kindness and referred to you as a kind person

The truth is we all care about what others say and think. Our lives, quite literally, depend on it.”

Given this, Our minds react strongly to others’ criticism or negativity. From an evolutionary perspective, this concern is adaptive which enhances our successful survival. When our concern with the negative social judgement becomes extreme, it influences our ability to function and the psychological adaptation becomes a psychopathology, called as the Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD). 

Thinking of me few years ago,

I was a scared person. Scared of letting others see my less impressive self and that nobody would like me.

For me, it was the fear of being found as unlikable. I couldn’t express my opinion and so I admired people who could speak up their minds clearly. I couldn't believe that there were things in me that made me special.  Even the simplest conversations seemed like a struggle back then. I felt my Self-esteem degrading which made me a type of person who pleased everybody, pretending to be somebody I wasn't. 

I wanted to speak my opinions, my feelings, for what I felt was right.

After I understood what I was going through, I started working on it, daily.  And that made me into what I am today. 

Some certain commonly seen characteristics are:

• Being typically shy when meeting new people.

• Being quiet in groups.

• Feeling discomfort in unfamiliar social settings. They might not show evidence but they experience an intense emotional or physical symptoms like fear, heart racing, sweating etc.

• Avoiding speaking in public, expressing opinions, or even fraternizing with peers.

But the good news is, there is nothing that isn’t possible.

Following are some ways given by Chloe Brotheridge, a hypnotherapist and anxiety expert and Chloe foster, a clinical psychologist, to develop new habits to help ease and overcome our Social anxiety.

1.CHALLENGE YOUR NEGATIVE AND ANXIOUS THOUGHTS-

At times it may feel like there’s nothing you can do about the way we feel and how we think. In reality, though, there are a number of things that can help. Challenging our mentality and negative thoughts can be an effective way to reduce symptoms of social anxiety. This way, I have practiced changing my negative thoughts. I literally wrote down the situations that make me think negative or anxious and I started facing those situations after which the next time I was in that situation, the level of negativity I had assumed got reduced.

Chloe rightly points that, 

Changing the way we think is a long journey and is not an immediate fix, but the mind is a powerful thing, and it is possible.

2. BE MINDFUL- 

Being mindful and practicing mindfulness meditation helps you to be present and aware of your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental and positive way. Researchers found out that, meditation has effects on particular areas of brain which help in reducing anxiety levels.

3. A LITTLE DISCOMFORT IS NECESSARY TO PUSH YOUR BOUNDARIES-

Trying to do an activity we like, in an environment that might make you anxious.

4. CREATE AN EXPOSURE HIERARCHY- 

Identify how each social situation makes you feel in terms of anxiousness and make a list. From walking into a room at a gathering to asking a stranger for the time, write it down. It is important to identify this because only then you’d be able to work on it.

5. DON’T FOCUS ON YOURSELF-

It’s hard to stop the endless mind chatter when we are in situations that make us particularly anxious. We focus on ourselves and how others will perceive us, almost always assuming it will be negative. Try to be present, and make genuine connections.

6. ADOPT A HEALTHIER LIFESTYLE TO REDUCE ANXIETY- 

The mind and body are linked, and how you treat your body can have a significant impact on the rest of your life, including your anxiety levels. Making small lifestyle changes, like having a good quality sleep, can help to improve our self-confidence and your ability to cope with anxiety symptoms.

7. TAKE A BREATH-

The physical symptoms of anxiety include increased heart rate, pounding chest, dizziness, and muscle tension. Learning to take a minute and slow down your breath can help you take back control of your body. 

8. ACT CONFIDENTLY-  

Learn to be confident in the same way you learned to ride a bike. Act more confidently, and people will react positively. This doesn’t mean you need to be the class clown or the centre of attention. It’s just about being more assertive. Something that feels terrifying at first will gradually feel better each time. 

9. FIND SOCIAL SITUATIONS AND ENGAGE-

Make a conscious effort to be more social. Trying to have social interactions whenever you can.

10. BE KIND TO YOURSELF-

Overcoming social anxiety is not easy. You’ll have times when you would feel tired, more anxious or negative. But this doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Just take a minute, focus on the present, and practice the techniques you’ve been working on. 

11. TALK- 

Talking to someone can be challenging at times. This will gradually help you be less anxious each time during conversations.

12. FACE YOUR FEARS- 

Avoiding situations won’t help your personal growth.We have to expose ourselves to situations that make us anxious. Studies show that, Exposure therapy, if applied gently is effective in treating Anxiety.

13. FOCUS ON THE AUDIENCE-

Chloe foster, a clinical psychologist at the Centre for Anxiety Disorders and Trauma in London, rather than thinking of the anxiety you feel internally, focussing on the audience can help us stumble less over our words

14. CHALLENGE YOURSELF-

Be more open to new situations. “The more you can involve yourself with social situations, the more confident you’re going to become,” Chloe foster says.

These are great ways to help overcome our social anxiety. Although it seems like an impossible obstacle, it’s so worth overcoming.

I have conquered my battle against shyness and SAD.

“I love myself and I am happy.”

Writing this has taken me years. I still find situations where I get anxious but I don’t feel like running away. All I do, is confront it. I could understand my shyness and things that made me anxious and worked on it daily.

Remember to approach the Social situations in a new way.

People often suffer in silence and the one beside has no idea what the other is going through. 

I don’t hesitate talking about my mental health and neither should you.